The Top 5 Hilarious Grimoire Cards
Tell the Warlocks your cloak is frabjous. They respect words they don’t understand. – Frumious Cloak
“I foresee fire. Fire and screams.” “You would, mate. You’re a rocket launcher.” – Steel Oracle Z-11
“Why is it golden? Well, let’s see, what’s the fundamental force we’re dealing with here? Solar energy, right? Like, from the Sun? I swear, you kids come out of the Tower greener and greener every year. Why is it gold? Feh.” —Tevis
Welcome back Guardians, today we are taking a quick break from the serious Lore to enjoy the lighter side of Destiny. The intro you just heard are not included in my countdown however they are some of my item/in-game descriptions.
I had some assistance from Beard Grizzly with this countdown, he is another great Destiny Lore content creator and I highly recommend his channel, it will be the first link in the description. Also, a quick shoutout to Blue from Focus Fire Chat for the reminder about how funny Tevis is!
This is myelin games and I hope you enjoy this latest Destiny Lore episode.
First, I have some honorable mentions, the first is Verse 4:10 of the Books of Sorrow. In this card Crota, has accidently been tricked by his sisters to cut a portal allowing the Vex into Oryx’s throne world. Oryx is alerted to the situation by the worm gods and returns to find the Vex overrunning it, Oryx quickly takes the Vex, removing them from his throne world and as a punishment picks Crota up by his legs and throws him a Vex portal,
“My son,” he said, “this is your punishment. Come home glorious, or die forgotten!”
I love how this card portrays Crota as a misbehaving child that was left home alone, who accidently let thousands of Gate crashers into his father’s house, only to get an absolute whooping from papa Oryx when it got home.
Second honorable mention, Thalnok, Fanatic of Crota. Poor Thalnok, if Crota is the disappointing son, Thalnok is the annoying little brother. Oryx literally laughs at Thalnok in the grimoire card. It reads,
“laugh and laugh at Thalnok! He is easily deceived. He will never hear this song. Diminished in sense
Small of purpose.”
I mean, c’mon, look at his grimoire card, don’t be so mean, look how adorable he is. Ok, last honorable mention before moving onto my top 5. Lady Efrideet. The card reads,
“In the tales of the Iron Lords, Lady Efrideet was one of the most prominent characters. She once threw Saladin like a javelin into a Fallen Walker—a City favorite retold for centuries.”
I am not too sure how that conversation went… “Hey Saladin..””Yes efrideet” Ï am going to throw ya?” “What?” “Whoosh”. I am sure Saladin would make a woosh noise if you threw him.
Ok, onto the 5 funniest grimoire cards in Destiny, in my opinion.
Number 5. Spelndor 2.6, I know I am already technically breaking the rules because this is not technically a grimoire card but whatever. The card depicts a conversation between Cayde-6, Ikora Rey and Zavala discussing the SIVA mite outbreak in the Tower which happened just prior to the release of Rise of Iron. The card reads,
“CY6: All right, what’s the next option?
IR: If you’re so brilliant, you tell me.
ZAV: I suppose we should have known better than to tell Guardians to stand still.
CY6: It’s not their strong suit. They’re not good at staying off my table, either. Stinkers.
IR: Focus, Cayde. This is an emergency.
CY6: You mean opportunity.
CY6: I’d like some of that Splendor that I’m seeing on Guardians. I look good in yellow, and I’m due for an upgrade.
ZAV: I am going to forbid you, Cayde.
CY6: Always the life of the party.
IR: We need you as you are. Healthy and in sound mind.
CY6: All right, all right. I’ll sit on my hands. This time.
ZAV: All Guardians are observing the prohibition on City visits. Ikora reports that appropriate crisis protocols are in place in the Owl Sector.
CY6: A watch-and-wait operation? You know I’d rather be shooting something. Can we sprinkle some of this stuff on the Fallen?”
This card had to make the list, Bungie acknowledging the greatest disrespect that happens on a daily occurrence in the tower… Guardians jumping all over the Vanguard table… well guess what Guardians… there is no more table… the Cabal blew it up! Well, they will blow it up, so if you want to disrespect the Vanguard table a couple of more times… go ahead.
Number 4. Now this card will appear to those darker humor guardians, or guardians that are just a bit socially awkward. The Iron Lords are gearing up to fight off a Fallen threat and Gheleon is using bone armour. It reads,
“Bone?” Saladin says. “Not carbon bronze? Not plasteel?”
“Bone’s always available as a last resort. Nothing else is.”
“This is doomsday thinking,” Jolder says, kicking aside fragments of bone. “We have your back. Our plate is strong. When’ll you need scavenged armor?”
“If all of you were cut down around me, your Light drained past return, and my own armor was shredded. F’r instance.”
There is a long silence.
“You always know what to say to make us feel better,” Efrideet says.
“I could hide under your bodies until the threat left. Then I’d make a helmet from all your skulls and a breastplate from your ribs and gloves from your finger bones wrapped around mine.”
There is a longer silence.
Awww Gawdd… Gheleon you creepy creepy guardian. We all have at least one friend who is a Gheleon. Number 3. The new Ghost Fragment: Cayde-6 card. In this card, Cayde-6 has accessed the remote vanguard database text-only search… which is essentially Vanguard Google. Here is how the card starts as Cayde starts his searches,
“WELCOME, USER “ACEOFHEARTS”.
> PLEASE ENTER SEARCH QUERY.
?> news about cayde
> THERE ARE 4 NEW ARTICLES SINCE YOUR LAST SEARCH 26 HOURS, 33 MINUTES AGO.
?> thats way too low”
So firstly, it has only been just over a day, since Cayde last searched for news about himself. His searchers continues,
?> whos more popular than cayde-6
?> did we get invaded by horse people
?> did horse people ever exist
> THERE ARE NO KNOWN ENCOUNTERS WITH QUADRUPED LIFE FORMS CAPABLE OF SPACE FLIGHT. SOME EARLY SIGHTINGS OF FALLEN RAIDING PARTIES MISTAKENLY IDENTIFIED THEIR METHODS OF RAPID LOCOMOTION AS EQUINE.
?> did fallen ever ride horses
The card continues.
LAST 50 SEARCHES ACROSS ALL DEVICES, CHRONOLOGICAL:
> “banshie real name” “banshie-44 real name” “scout rifle locker default password” “traveler giant eyeball” “giant eyeball planet” “giant eyeball aliens” “giant alien eyeballs” “delete image history” “how do i delete images” “accidentally set giant alien eyeball as terminal background” “how much do new terminals cost” “vanguard discount for new ter~XXX
So yes, Cayde is goofing off and this card implies he accidentally changes the terminal background to a giant alien eyeball… then tries to cover his tracks by replacing the terminals! Bungie… for the love of god… if you ever get rid of Cayde-6 I will delete my channel and delete destiny, don’t do it Bungie, don’t you ever do it!
And on that night, Number 2 also involves Cayde-6. I am cheating once again and I am going to include two grimoire cards in this countdown, Ghost Fragment: Shaxx and Ghost Fragment: Shaxx 2, both new cards with the Age of Triumph. These cards describe how Cayde-6 forces Lord Shaxx to coach children in the City in a game of dodgeball, yes dodgeball. Cayde won a bet against Shaxx, and so forces him to participate in this City activity, explaining that the people of the City need to see Guardians come down from the Tower every now and then and although Shaxx was not the people’s first pick, Cayde-6 was able to force his hand with a winning bet.
Shaxx is tasked with selecting and training two children from the City to enter a Dodgeball tournament. Shaxx’s rage continues after losing the bet and the cards reads,
“Shaxx stood motionless, but his fury engulfed the air like a flame. Cayde turned to leave, his cloak billowing in the wind behind him. “I’m going to make so many Crucible bets while you’re gone.”
“You wouldn’t dare,” Shaxx began, but Cayde was already lost in a departing crowd of adults.
Lord Shaxx navigated the unruly sea with grace, and headed toward a lone tree in a corner of the field. An Awoken girl and a human boy sat huddled below it.
As Shaxx’s shadow eclipsed them, they looked up at him with the same brightness in their eyes…
“You’re with me. I need the rules of engagement.” Shaxx stared at them, and they stared back. “Someone talk to me.”
They both spoke at once, and Shaxx listened in silence as they talked over each other to explain the game: Teams of two launch orb projectiles at each other, and players struck are eliminated. If both players on a team are eliminated, the team is out of the tournament, and their chance to play on the field is over.
“What do you call this drill? Skirmish? Supremacy?” Shaxx demanded.
“Dodge ball,” said Runa.
The 5 D’s of destiny, dodge, dip, duck, dive and Dodge.. Anyway the Lord Shaxx 2 card continues with the Dodgeball tornament and unfortunately, Lord Shaxx’s new found mentees have lost the tournament, the card reads,
“So you’re not mad?” asked Lonwabo. His face brightened.
Shaxx continued: “Victory is key to survival. You need it. Need to fight for it. But it teaches nothing.”
“Does that mean, in a way, we won?” asked Lonwabo.
“No,” Shaxx looked down at him. “No, you were annihilated.”
See Guardian, don’t be upset when Shaxx yells at you in the crucible, he is even a dick to children. Number 1… this has been on my list for a very long time, it is a vanilla card and is probably the first time I laughed out loud when reading the grimoire cards. This is the Ghost Fragment: Vex 3 card. This card describes the Vex researchers, Dr Shim, Duane McNiadh, Maya Sundaresh and Chioma Esi, these researchers were experimenting on a Vex mind, and they discovered exact virtual copies of themselves in the Vex mind. The researchers are concerned because if they are looking at an exact copy of themselves, what is to say they are already not in a Vex simulation. The card reads:
DUANE-MCNIADH: Does it matter? If we’re in Vex hell right now, there’s nothing we can –
SHIM: Stop talking about ‘real’ and ‘unreal.’ All realities are programs executing laws. Subjectivity is all that matters.
SUNDARESH: We have to act as if we’re in the real universe, not one simulated by the specimen. Otherwise we might as well give up.
ESI: Your sim self is saying the same thing.
SUNDARESH: Chioma, love, please hush. It doesn’t help.
DUANE-MCNIADH: Maybe the simulations are just billboards! Maybe they don’t have interiority! It’s bluffing!
SHIM: I wish someone would simulate you shutting up.
Ohhhh dammmm, Savage Dr Shim, absolutely burns Duane-mcniadh. I hope you enjoyed this more light-hearted Destiny Lore episode, if you would like to support the channel and cannot think of comment, you can leave the phrase, “Savage Shim”, to represent Dr Shim’s greatest come back in the midst of one of the most stressful moments witin Destiny’s history.
That concludes this latest destiny lore episode. As usual it has been a pleasure, this is myelin games.peace.